The Hard Stuff

I have to say, I am SO happy for a new year. I hated 2011. With a passion. Yes, I received a beautiful baby boy out of the deal, but the rest of it, for lack of a better word... sucked. I did learn a lot, and grew a lot, but I wish I didn't have to grow in that way. No one should have to. Ever. I've known of people to wish miscarriages on others, or fake a miscarriage, and I can tell you from personal experience, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And I can't have respect for anyone that would wish that on someone.

Grieving is weird. One minute, you think things are looking up, and you're starting to heal. Then something comes along and knocks you back down, much farther down than you would like, and it feels like you have to start all over again. Recently, a few friends of mine have experienced losses of their own. Each one is different, but they're all heartbreaking. I've learned that you never forget the emotion you feel after you've lost a child. Even if you're in a good place, all of the emotions come rushing back when you find out someone has experienced a loss of their own. It's just not easy. I've learned throughout the year that it will never be easy.

I've really struggled lately. I had mentioned Christmas putting me into a funk, and I got out of that. Lately, I've just felt... weird. I feel like I can hardly keep up with life. I feel like my house is never as clean as I would like it to be. My basement is driving me insane because every time I clean and re-organize, my kids trash it within minutes. I feel like a horrible mother. I feel like a failure. I know so many women that are SO amazing. I'd really say out of all of my friends, I am the least talented. I don't have anything that is unique to me. There isn't anything I could say I was REALLY good at either. Probably mediocre at just about everything I do. I feel horribly inadequate in my church calling. Inadequate as a wife and mother... at just about everything. Please know that I am not sharing this for pity. I am sharing it because I believe it to be true, and I absolutely cannot stand it.

Not too long ago, I shared a thought in our presidency meeting. It was from the talk that President Uchtdorf gave in Women's Conference, entitled, Forget Me Not. It is absolutely beautiful, and I know it was in there for me. Here's one of my favorite quotes:

I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,¹ but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect,² and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.

So I read this, and I know it's for me. I love it, but for some reason, I can't get past these feelings of inadequacy. All I know is I need to knock it off and get over myself. Like President Uchtdorf says, I need to stop punishing myself. It's something I know I need to work on. Maybe I need to get some less-wonderful friends so I'll feel better about myself. Just kidding, I really couldn't do that. My friends are pretty amazing.

Accepting and working on my weaknesses, and trying to acknowledge my strengths is definitely something that will be placed on my list of Goals for the year. If you've ever watched Friends, you may have heard about a "thing." A "thing" is something that you are known for. It's not always positive, but everyone has "things" they are known for. Not too long ago, I had a discussion with one of my best friends in the whole world. I told her that I felt like I didn't have a "thing" and that it really bothered me. I think it went along with all of my feelings of inadequacy. For Christmas, she gave me something that brought tears to my eyes when I saw it- a list of "Holli's Things" she created for me. I will treasure it always, and I think it was something I needed to hear. It was comforting to know that even when I don't feel important, other people think I am.

Manuel and I had a talk a couple weeks ago about family and personal goals for 2012. Actually, Manuel was really cute and set a personal goal for me because he knew I wouldn't do it myself. Sometimes I hate that he knows me so well. :)

Anyway, here's a few of my goals:
                                      Daily prayer & scripture study

                                      Build up food storage

                                      Learn how to use wheat
                                      Work towards losing 30 more pounds (lost 20 last year!)

                                      Get the house organized

I've already started on some of these, and I am hoping to blog about them in the coming weeks! Yay for 2012!