I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in Sacrament meeting in my parents' ward. For the opening hymn, we sang "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go." And I cried. Through the whole thing. It probably didn't help that a few members of their ward came up to hug me and tell me that they love me, especially since it was two men that served in the Bishopric when I was a youth, and I think the world of them. So back to the song. I'm choking out the words:
 It may not be on the mountain height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me.
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.

I know that this song normally refers to service and following the commandments the Lord has given us, but my broken heart took it somewhere totally different. It applied to me. Someone picked that song FOR me. I highly doubt the music director of the ward was thinking, "I'm pretty sure Holli needs to hear this song," but I'm pretty sure the Spirit knew I needed to. For some reason, this is a path that Heavenly Father has chosen for me. I don't understand it, and it's not something I would ever want for myself, but here I am on a path that I do not know.

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I’ll be what you want me to be.

Since that Sunday, I have found myself asking, "Heavenly Father, where do you want me to go?" I still don't know the answer to that. I may not know for a very long time. I shared a story with a friend recently, who was experiencing a hard time herself. I told her about a blessing my husband gave me after the first ultrasound. I kept waiting for him to say that our babies would be okay. I listened intently. I HAD to hear that. I needed to know that everything would be fine. The words never came. Instead, it was repeated numerous times that I needed to remember Heavenly Father's plan for me. I don't think it was a coincidence that I taught my Primary kids "I Will Follow God's Plan" just weeks before we found out that our little baby was gone. My friend told me a few days later that she kept singing that song to herself, and that it helped. She also told me that in her hard time, she's decided to change her questions from "Why?" to "What?" I think we helped each other a lot that night.

I wish that I could say that the pain is completely gone and everything is back to normal. That would be a lie. I can say, however, that the pain isn't as intense. I still cry at times. I still wish that we'd still be bringing two babies home with us from the hospital. I know this will be a long and painful road. As I have tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and put them back together, I am realizing that there will always be a piece missing. Like that darn puzzle you can never complete because somewhere along the way a piece fell on the floor never to be found. I think that's how it will be.

I don't think I've ever relied on the Lord so much before in my life. I know that may sound bad, but I don't mean it to be. I've always relied on Him, just not as much as I do now. I know that He is the only one that can get me through this. I have been blessed with an amazing husband, a very thoughtful mother and wonderful family, and so many great friends. I haven't had to bear this alone, and I am so grateful for that. I have found comfort and answers to prayers through scripture study, but I feel like the Hymns have played a huge part as well. I stood in front of my Primary kids yesterday with my eyes brimming with tears as they sang with me. We learned a song called "If I Listen With My Heart" in January, and we sang it yesterday as a review. One verse talks about the Holy Ghost and how He is here to comfort us. I love how simple the Children's Hymns are. It's one of the best ways to teach the simple truths of our gospel, but it has also strengthened my own testimony immensely.

Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin
Some wand’rer whom I should seek.
O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet:
I’ll say what you want me to say.

 There’s surely somewhere a lowly place
In earth’s harvest fields so wide
Where I may labor through life’s short day
For Jesus, the Crucified.
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere:
I’ll be what you want me to be.