Trying to be Okay

I can't believe it has been a week since we received the horrible news. While I have learned and grown a lot over the past week, it has definitely not been easy. I am incredibly grateful for all of the amazing people I have in my life. You definitely learn who your true friends are when you need people the most. I have been showered with flowers, cards, meaningful gifts that I will keep forever, hugs, shared tears, prayers... the list goes on and on. I have taken pictures of all of the beautiful things I have received. I tried to include them in this post but blogger wasn't cooperating. I have truly been touched by the outpouring of love I have received. Thank you so much.

I don't believe I have ever felt such heartache my entire life. I've had to gracefully accept mean and insensitive comments, and I've tried very hard to be understanding and remember that people don't know what to say to me. I was lovingly told by my dear friend, Sara, that I don't have to be understanding towards anyone. I've been reminded to take things one day at a time. Very often, I can only take things one minute at a time. While every day the pain doesn't seem to be so severe, my heart still aches and something will remind me of my loss and then I lose it all over again. I have relied on the Lord heavily to get me through this because I know that He is the only one that can. I have also relied on my mom and Manuel, and many friends. I've completely fallen apart while sitting at my friend's dining room table and she let me. I've been irrational and hysterical, and all I have to do is call my mom and she's here within minutes. Poor Manuel has to witness me unglued the most, and I feel bad because I know he's hurting too.

I am definitely not normal. I don't know if I will ever be "normal." I have a hard time using exclamation points and commenting on blogs. I have a hard time returning phone calls. My heart breaks all over again any time someone mentions my twins, unaware of what has happened. I never knew that having someone ask, "How are you doing?" could be the hardest question I've ever had to answer. I'm not great. I'm not even good most of the time. Sometimes I'm ok. Other times, all I can say is, "I'm trying to be ok." It's the best I can offer, and it's the truth. I am reading my scriptures and praying continuously for strength. My wonderful mother bought me two books on grieving the loss of an infant, and I am reading them as well. I'm doing all I can to work through this but it won't be fixed immediately. I've lost my baby and that is something you can never fully overcome.

Yesterday I was able to go to the temple and witness the sealing of Manuel's best friend and his wife. It was beautiful. They've been married for 10 years now and Manuel and I have hoped for years that they would make it to the temple. The most amazing part was when their three children were brought into the room to be sealed to their parents for time and all eternity. It was amazing for them, but it was a much needed reminder for me. It brought me peace and assurance that I will see my precious baby again. We weren't able to find out the gender of the baby we lost, but I have very strong feelings that we lost a baby girl. Our little Princess Penelope, also known as Boo around here. One of Sam's teachers talked to me the other day, and told me how lucky I was to have such an amazing blessing. She told me that I am the mother of a celestial being and she couldn't think of anything more wonderful. While it brings me great pain and heartache, it brings me reassurance knowing that if I live worthily, Manuel and I will see our baby again. Until then, I am trying to be okay.