Recently, I was reading the Ensign and came across a Q&A about reaching out to others when they tend to associate only with friends in their social group. It brought out quite a few emotions from me- sadness, anger, and just frustration. Here we are in a church that focuses on charity and the pure love of Christ, yet there are SO many people that don't feel like they fit in. Ask any convert to the church and they'd tell you how it is. Ask any person that has just moved into a new ward.
I really struggled when Manuel and I got married. We moved into some apartments in Taylorsville that happened to be within the ward boundaries of some houses on "Canal Road"- they were rather fancy, and a lot of the people that lived there thought they were pretty special. Almost every person that lived on that road had to tell you that is where they lived- even if you didn't ask. Conversations would go something like: "Hi, my name is ______. I live on Canal Rd." I'm not even kidding. There was only one family that NEVER told us they lived on that fancy road, and we are still good friends with a few members of that family to this day. After 6 months of horrible apartment living Manuel and I decided it was time to look for a house. We looked and looked and looked. We even made offers but they either wouldn't go through or didn't feel right to us. Then we found it. An adorable yellow house with the modern flair that I love. We were so excited to live in a quiet little town- especially since we had both lived/grew up there (I moved to this town when I was 9, Manuel lived there until he was about 18). Anyway, I found out that I had a few friends in the ward as well, and Manuel knew A LOT of people so he felt right at home. Well, my friends served in Primary so I went to Relief Society by myself. It was horrible- no one would talk to me. I wasn't approached or welcomed by anyone in the RS presidency, and was never asked to introduce myself. One sister asked me where I lived and when I tried to explain it, she was rude to me. I had been told that our house was "So-and-so's house", so that is what I ended up telling people. "We live in ______'s old house." I hated it! It was OUR house! So-and-so hadn't lived there for years! Anyway, after hoping for friends and feeling like I belonged after living in the horrible Canal Rd ward, I felt alone. Thank goodness for the sweet old ladies that sat on the back row. They befriended me. No one else wanted to talk to me, but they always had a seat for me every Sunday. It got to the point where I told Manuel that I would just go home after Sacrament meeting. It was just too much for me. My grandmother had just passed away, and we were experiencing some other family troubles, and no one was there to offer a hug or a comforting word. People would get up in Fast and Testimony meeting and rave about how wonderful the ward was and how much they loved it. I thought it was a crock. I couldn't believe anyone could say that. It was so weird. Anyway, I broke down one day to the only friend I had in the ward (she and I had known each other since elementary school, and she was one that served in Primary so I never saw her) and she asked me if I would be willing to substitute in Primary. Things eventually got better- I was called into the YW presidency, then a month later was called to be the YW President (at 22- still crazy to me!). The boundaries were changed and new people were brought into the ward, a new Bishop chosen, and things were a lot better. I have made friendships I am sure will last a lifetime, and truly felt a sense of belonging.
After reading the article in the Ensign, I remembered my whole experience as a new member of a ward. With all of that fresh on my mind, I had a few experiences at church recently that sent me home in tears vowing to never return. It keeps happening too and I'm not sure what to do about it. The problem is a few things. 1. I am incredibly sensitive. I hate that about myself. It is WAY too easy to hurt my feelings. Because of this, I try to avoid people I know will hurt me. Maybe it sounds cowardly, and it's not like I'm rude about it, I just try to stay away. Defense mechanism or survival skill, call it what you wish. 2. I am also very shy. Shocking, I know, right? If I don't know someone, or I'm uncomfortable, it is really hard for me to talk. I get all nervous, say dumb things, or feel like I'm going to throw up. That is something I am trying to work on though. I think if I had served a mission maybe that kind of stuff would be easier, but I didn't so I just need to suck it up and talk to people. I'm not sure if this gets confused as me being stuck-up or not, but I really don't intend it to be that way. Ever.
The more I think about it, the harder it is. I think about the way I have been treated and I don't even know if these people understand what they have done. Would they care if they found out I stopped going to church because of them? Probably not. What kind of person would I be if I just gave up and let someone else get in the way of my eternal salvation? I'd be a coward. You hear it all the time that it's the church that's true, not the members, but why do we even have to say that? Why does it have to be that way? It shouldn't be, and I really feel for the people that have fallen from the truth because of the actions/words of others. I can see how it happens.
A few weeks ago I was searching for a quote to put on my Facebook profile. I found an amazing one by Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley. She says, "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." If you have facebook, I apologize because I shared this quote a few days ago, but this quote has hit close to home recently. It is SO true, and we really need to remember that everyone we meet is fighting their own demons. Everyone has their struggles. We are all fighting a hard battle. So I think about the things I have recently been offended by. Did these people know that I'm insecure about ______ or that my life has been in shambles recently because of this, and that, and the other stuff, making it so bad that sometimes it's hard to even breathe? Doubtful. Do I remember that when dealing with people? I have been trying to. How am I going to feel when Heavenly Father approaches me to ask why I hurt someone's feelings? Or (heaven forbid) drove someone away from the church? I couldn't live with myself. I HATE it when I know I have caused someone pain. I HATE it when people are upset with me. My mom has told me many times that I am a peacemaker. I don't know if really live up to that title, she is my mom so it's her job to say nice things about me, but I really hate knowing that I have upset someone. I guess since I am that way I expect others to be as well. But can you imagine how much better our lives would be if we tried to remember that everyone we meet is "fighting a hard battle?" I think it would make us stop and think before yelling at someone or giving a rude, unsolicited opinion. I wish I could thank Sister Hinckley, for all of the wonderful treasures she has left us. I know because of her quote and my own experiences I have a greater resolve to be more kind and loving towards others. I hope everyone else would want to do the same.
4 comments:
I think sometimes it's easier to revert to what we know and feel comfortable with than reach out to someone new. I know I tend to get into a rut and sit in the same place every week at church and I would sit in the same spot in RS every week too. As I received different callings, I would get to know different people and so I'd sit with them at activities because that's who I knew best. I never intended to be unfriendly but I can see how it could be construed that way. I really liked Elder Bednar's Conference talk a few years ago about getting offended. It struck a chord with me and reminded me that my salvation is for me and I can't let someone else's remarks or actions take that away from me.
I remember reading that quote that you posted on facebook. It's quite thought-provoking. I should really remember it when I'm driving and get frustrated!
Thank you for leaving such a sweet note on my blog :) It really means a lot to me. You are a good friend and a beautiful woman.
haha I love that quote! :0) As you know we've lived in the same student family ward for SIX years! I've really learned to love it...the past 2 years! I'm not kidding, when Brett went to Iraq and came home after 2 years, people thought I had just moved in too!
I'm reminded of what my dad told me a few years ago...I was complaining that we should do something else as a family besides go to the temple when they came up for a visit, because we wouldn't be able to talk to each other... (I guess I was having a selfish day!) And my dad told me that it doesn't matter who you sit by, or who you share small conversations with because we'll all be together in the Celestial Room at the end! Then he related it to our life!...and it's stuck with me to this day! The things YOU do and the things YOU say are the most important, so make everyday count!
We've had many family members fall away because they were all caught up in what OTHERS do and what OTHERS say...It made them sick with worry, and they couldn't handle it! So they stopped trying.
Anyway, I know you are a smart girl, just focus on yourself and your relationship with your Heavenly Father and your family. Everyone is here with a bundle a talents, anyone you meet should be a pleasure of getting to know! We all touch each others lives with our talents in one way or another, it's OUR jobs to make our own talents known. :0)
I've had the wonderful pleasure of getting to know you in our fleeting moment at DFCU! I love you Holli! Don't let people smother your talents, rise above it!
I love Sister Hinckley and that quote is such a good one! I agree with Jen, it's easy to just get comfortable and not realize it may be seen as unfriendly. I think in a new situation we want to be reached out to and sometimes don't realize we're not the only ones feeling awkward. I know it's hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and talk to someone new, even though I know it's the right thing to do. Another thing I like to remember is that most people don't go around trying to offend others or be unkind. I know, sometimes certain people may seem like they do, but I like to think that maybe they just don't realize or understand, or maybe they lack the social skills, or maybe they themselves are fighting a hard battle that I don't understand. I really think most people are doing the best they can. Certainly the world could always use more kindness, gentleness, love, and sensitivity to others needs and we could probably all do better. I think that thought would be just as well to remember as we try not to offend as when we try not to be offended. Maybe we could all just cut each other a little slack as humans with weaknesses and insecurities. I would want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt if I said something that came out hurtful or insensitive, so I need to do the same for them. Thanks for sharing that quote, it is definitely a good reminder! :)
Thank you Holli! We are still in such a transitional time in our life, we move wards often and it takes me about a year to feel comfortable, and then we move! I am not really trying to get to know anyone in this new ward, because we are leaving in a few months...My husband shared something with me recently, there are those that act and those that are acted upon. I am sad to say that I choose to be acted upon much too often. Also I am glad to hear Mateo is ok!L ove ya!
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