Thoughtful Thursdays

I've noticed a lot of weekly themed blog posts and I really like them. I have a darling friend that is doing 52 weeks in pictures- every week she posts a picture with a theme and talks about it. I love it! Then my super cute s-i-l, Laura, has a weekly post called, "I smile Wednesdays." She posts about all of the things that have made her smile that week. Okay, not everything, because Laura smiles a lot, but you get the jist. :) I decided that I really need an outlet for my own reflection. I need something that will MAKE me think about things on a weekly basis. So I decided to start my own weekly post- Thoughtful Thursdays. So here is the first one. Let's hope it's good!

I've been thinking about my little brother a lot. He turns 19 today, which means that soon he will be leaving us to serve the Lord. He received his mission call last week. He has been called to serve in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin mission and will enter into the MTC December 14th. I have mixed feelings about this. First, I have to say that my little brother is such an amazing guy. He has always been a silly kid, and I hope he never loses that. When he was younger, he always had a Hot Wheels or Matchbox car in his pocket. Then he added Lego guys and other random things. TO THIS DAY he will still whip out some crazy thing from his pocket. I'm pretty sure all of the little kids in Wisconsin will think to themselves, "I wonder what Elder B has in his pocket today?!" I can't even begin to express how proud I am that my little brother made this decision. He will have an amazing experience and will be blessed for his service.

Now I have to express my selfish thoughts. I makes my heart hurt to think about not having my little brother around for two whole years! Sam and Mateo adore him, and will be lost without him. He told my sister the other day that Ben won't even know him when he gets back and it made me want to cry. I see Jesse a lot, and I don't know what we'll do without him! HOWEVER, I know that he made the right decision. I also know that I need to stop being selfish because there are people in Wisconsin that are waiting for him to share the Gospel and bring an amazing blessing to their families.

I've also been thinking about parenting. Being a parent is the hardest role I have ever had. I love it. All I've ever wanted is to be a mother, but it can be incredibly trying at times. And frustrating. And heart-breaking. And a lot of other things that end in "ing." My kids have been driving me nuts lately. They've been extra naughty and have spent loads of time in time out. Sam has been getting into trouble at school for blatant disobedience. I started to wonder if putting him in Kindergarten was the right decision. I wanted to talk to his teacher, but there was always a group of moms that gather around her and I just didn't want to talk about it in front of them. I sent her an email expressing my concerns. I also shared a story with her about Sam waking up one morning telling me that he had a dream about Boo and Sully. In his dream we brought both babies home from the hospital. It made me realize that Sam was more affected by what happened than I originally thought. We thought that since he had stopped talking about "Boo" it meant that he was okay. It also made me wonder if part of his misbehavior had something to do with it. I'm not saying all, but some.

His teacher and I are working together to find the right solution for Sam, but we still have some serious problems to take care of. The boys are fighting constantly, and don't listen when they are asked to do something. It just feels like everything is out of control and has pushed me to a point where I am not reacting in a nice way. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be the mom that has to yell all of the time. I want my kids to LISTEN! Why don't they listen? What have I done to fail them as a mom? IT'S ALL MY FAULT. Last night, I rummaged through some boxes to find some books I had on parenting and discipline. I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I needed fast answers because at that moment I felt like giving up. I felt as though my kids were past the point where they would ever be good again.

I picked up my books and started to read. I didn't get very far before I was in tears. My kids aren't just my kids. They're on loan to me from my Heavenly Father. While I love them unconditionally, it cannot compare to the love He has for them. I don't like it when other people yell at my kids, so how does Heavenly Father feel when I yell at His kids? One book, The LDS Mother's Almanac said many things that made me reflect on myself.
Here's just a few:
-Tell your child what you love about them everyday.
 -Give children your attention before they resort to misbehaving.
- Say yes as often as you can

The last thing I read last night hit me the most: "At the core of all effective discipline is a loving mother's desire to purify herself before she seeks to influence her child." For the past few weeks, I've been focused on everything my kids are doing wrong. I've been angry and frustrated with them thinking that we aren't strict enough. While I would wonder where I've gone wrong, I never stopped to think that I am part of the problem. I'm not working to change myself, just my kids. There's a lot of work to be done, and it all starts with me.