So maybe the internet isn't the place to divulge personal information, OR maybe it is the BEST place because it's one less thing my poor husband has to listen to me cry about. Anyway, let me just get to the point. I am having a lot of struggles lately that involve a little background- and this is where the personal part comes in. When I was in high school, I developed an eating disorder. I had a very abusive boyfriend, and a bad relationship with my father that caused me to withhold food. I know that sounds crazy, but when a person has little control over their life, and has very little self esteem, they will find anyway to feel somewhat in control. For my adolescent self, food was the only thing I felt I had control over. Luckily it wasn't as extreme as so many cases are, but for 3 years I lived off little or no food at all. Then a miracle happened. I met an amazing guy that helped me realize that I was of worth. I finally felt better about myself and started eating again.
So almost 5 years of marriage and two kids later I am fat. Actually, according to Wii Fit I am obese. That's right. OBESE. I have always managed to make it back to pre-pregnancy pants and weight, but nothing more has come off. I hate it. I can barely look at myself in the mirror because I hate what I see. I try to work out and eat right and I just get frustated and depressed which makes me turn to food. And why does the good stuff have to be so bad for you? I am the only one in my family that has weight problems. Everyone else is skinny and I am the fat slob. I feel like certain people in my family judge me or think less of me because of my weight. I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of feeling fat and ugly all of the time. My husband deserves better. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. I don't know where to go from here. All I know is that I am sure I will regret this post, and maybe it was inappropriate to write about, but it had to come out somewhere. I guess it's better than making Manuel feel bad or writing it in my journal for all of my posterity to read. Apparently public scrutiny was the way to go. :) Sorry!
4 comments:
Hollie, I too had a eating disorder in High School. Actually it started in Junior High. I was anorexic. I weighed 127 lbs. For my height, thats bad! I know exactly how you feel. I have since developed a new disorder, where in which I do nothing but eat and I have a hard time controlling myself. You are not alone. I hate seeing myself in the mirror and I am pretty sure Matt is sick of hearing me say how fat and ugly I am. Just remember that Manuel loves you for who you are and so do the boys. I know this is hard to tell you when I too have my own struggles. But hang in there. I love you and so does your heavenly father.
Weight is a VERY serious issue! I agree with Stacie - you are not alone! A good Dr would tell you #'s are just that - and it's your health that matters. I had a BMI of 44.4 - "morbidly obese" and had gastric bypass surgery to "help" me get to a "healthy" goal weight. It will always be something I struggle with, so you are NOT alone! I'll see ya/talk to you on Friday!!
Definitely not alone. I think everyone has issues with some aspect of their body image. You hear the most beautiful women in the world say they hate this or that when they look in the mirror and it seems crazy. It makes it even harder to have your body keep changing (as our bodies so miraculously do for our babies). It's not the prettiest process :) Eating better and working out are so hard to do and the results take so long! Start with little things that make you feel better about your progress but always remember that it truly is what's inside that's the most important! I know Manuel and the boys think you're the best! Love ya!
I never had an eating disorder (clearly) but the Wii also makes me cry with its "obese" antics. Stupid Wii...
As soon as I get clearance from my dr (pregnancy crap), I am going to start running. I dont know if you are a fan, but I want to do a 1/2 marathon in August. Maybe want to train together?!? I really have no desire to run a 1/2 marathon, but someone told me that if you have to pay to register, and you know the date is coming up, you are more likely to follow through... so here I go!! Let me know if you want to! At the very least, we can go walking and stuff together.
Post a Comment