Enough

I've been in a mood lately. A really bad one. I've been stressed, and moody, and just not very happy. I wasn't entirely sure what my deal was. One day, I got mad for no reason, and stormed out of the house. Manuel gave me a couple minutes, then came out to check on me. He told me that he noticed I've been on edge lately, and asked what was wrong. I broke down, and then it came to me:

I just don't feel good about myself.

I just feel fat and ugly.

To be completely honest, I DO NOT want to feel this way. I don't even want to admit that I feel this way, but I need to get it out. I've struggled with weight/self esteem issues my whole life. I was never a tiny girl. I was "pretty plus" in the little girls' section, and started wearing juniors clothes in fifth grade. I made choices about food in high school that could have been dangerous had they gotten out of control. Now, I KNOW that EVERY woman has something about their bodies they don't like. I've just let this control my life for too long, and it's time to say, ENOUGH. 

Back in October, my good friend Stacie taught me about a new lifestyle that would help me lose weight. Over 4 months, I lost 25 pounds. It felt A-Mazing. Then December and Christmas goodies came, and my resolve crumbled. I was able to maintain my weight for a few months, then all of a sudden, got out of control and gained 10 back. It's been discouraging, and incredibly depressing. Then, when I get down, I think, "I'm having a crappy day. I deserve ice cream, and cheese fries." It has been an endless battle, and I really need to gain control of things. For a while, I wanted to lose weight so other people couldn't make me feel bad about myself. So I could be as skinny as they are. In my mind, I thought that if I could be as skinny as the people that make me feel bad, I'd be accepted and my troubles would be over. Still feeling crappy, fat, and ugly, I read this quote by Sheri Dew that I had pinned to Pinterest a few months ago:

"Could it be that we have been deceived by false role models and persuasive media messages that cause us to forget our divine identity? What could be more deceptive than to entice us to do nothing or to be busy ever texting... What could be more deceptive than to entice women, young and old, you and me, to be so involved in ourselves, our looks, our clothes, our body shape and size that we lose sight of our divine identity and our ability to change the world through our virtuous influence?"

After reading this quote, I realized that I needed to change my attitude about a few things. Am I not doing well with my weight loss because I'm doing it for the wrong reason? Instead of worrying about how other people see me, I need to be worried about how I view myself, and how Heavenly Father views me. I need to be worried about being a virtuous influence, and not some skinny fashionista. I need to be more worried about being healthy, and living a healthy lifestyle, so my kids can have the best mother possible. 

 I need to believe that I AM pretty,
despite what Satan has made me feel.

I need to remember how lucky I am to have 3 adorable little boys,

and an amazing husband that does a lot more for us than a lot of husbands do.

And really, I REALLY need to stop worrying about what people think of me.

I need to be silly and have fun,

and stop worrying about all of the other crap that really doesn't matter. 

I think Sister Hinckley's quote summed it up for me. I just need to say enough, and be content with what I am. I am a mother. My whole life, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I am a wife. I try my hardest to be a good friend. I want to serve my Lord, and be a good example to others. I need to come to term with my feelings, and find the courage and the strength to continue a lifestyle change just for ME and no one else. My sweet husband always tells me that I'm beautiful, and he worries that he has done something to make me feel the way I do. My answer is always the same: it's me. It's my own feelings, and the thing that I've fought all my life. It's time to let go, and just BE CONTENT.